After shocks.......

Will the after shocks stop??????................. Physically I believe I am fine but emotionally I am a train wreck.

One minute I am so positive and alive and the next I wish I could crawl under a rock. On social media I am getting so much support and prayers but in real life I am drowning in my own tears. I feel like I am not as strong as other woman. One moment I am praising God and doing positive/ feeling OK that our Savior was the one who got to hold my baby first and the next moment I am falling into a million pieces thinking about not being able to hold my baby until I make it to heaven. So then I take a breath because then my thoughts start going to me leaving and going to heaven. But then reality hits me and I think about my other 4. I know Baby Tiny is OK. I start thinking about how I am going to be the best parent to the ones I have, Start being the best me I can be, get in shape, so I can do more with my kids. Then I think about how my worse fear was made real when baby Tiny went away. My worse fear is something happening to one of my kids. And now it has. I am a mess thinking about why. WHY my child, what did I do to not be able to look at my baby's face and see him smile. I go through every emotion. I get mad thinking Shasta won't even remember that she had a younger sibling. Then I am back and watching Shasta playing with her dolls and think I have to be the best mom I only have them for a short time and we don't know when their time will be.
 Pretty much the whole time I knew I was pregnant with Tiny 11/8- 12/15 I rarely held Shasta making sure I kept myself safe and Tiny safe. Yesterday I picked up Shasta and she said with excitement "mommy you are holding me" I say yes baby I can now. I tried to reexplain how baby Tiny wasn't in mommy's belly anymore. (our first attempt I was still going through the physically stuff so I didn't want to strain and pick her up (I didn't know how much it meant to her) I had told her the 1st time and she said "yes baby in mommy's belly" then gave me a hug I told her it was OK because she was still my baby) this time we explained again that Baby Tiny was with Jesus and not in mommy's belly anymore. She seemed sad. But happy that I could hold her. I wanted to cry. I didn't realize how much she missed me holding her. I held her on my lap, but I limited picking her up. I missed it too. At one time I was upset and said it wasn't fair I had to push away one child to save another. Of coarse I knew I wasn't pushing away Shasta but I wanted to be able to hold them both. And I still do. I want to be able to be mom to baby tiny. I want to have pictures taken to see all 5 of my kids together. I hadn't even gotten big enough to really tell I was pregnant. (I could tell and my belly changed but no one else would have known if we didn't tell them). So pics of me and the kids wouldn't have told the story now either. I just want them all to have the opportunity to enjoy each other. I wanted to name him or her. I wanted to share the gender surprise and have a baby shower. But most of all I really wanted to hold him and see his face. Kiss him and just love him. Which I do! More than some may think I should. I have loved my baby since I read the positive tests I took on my birthday . (my actual tests from that day)

I was so excited that God entrusted me with another gift. So why then was I being robbed of being Baby Tiny's mom. I mean I know I was mom for the weeks I had the sweet baby in my womb but sometimes that wasn't enough to me. I wanted more. I wanted to make him/ her real and I wanted our baby to be and stay a part of our family. But now how do I do that with out it being a sad moment all the time and over thinking the things we will miss out on. Someone said she was hoping we would be announcing a new little one in 2016. At the time I thought oh my goodness how could I ever do this again. I mean I would be so scared that I wouldn't be able to keep that one either but as the days have went on and I have had to cope with seeing other babies (which made me cry every time) I think I finally came to a peace that I think I would like to try again some day maybe. I am scared though because some have said my age is getting to old. I am 36 and just lost my baby. I have now been pregnant 5 times and if it's God's will I would accept anymore gift he wants to bless me with.


RIP Baby Tiny  

Enjoy Heaven! Jesus give my precious baby a hug for me!!!!!