mending a broken heart

The past couple days I have felt pretty good! I am able to stop be quit being so emotional about everything and try to live life with out sitting and staying in sadness. I am faithful! And I know God is faithful. He will see me through my grief and he is doing this. I have had to put one foot in front of the other and go on living. With 4 other kids, a house, a husband, and lots of things to do I have no choice. (actually I do I could just sit in my tears and let this ruin not only my future but my entire family's life) I have to go on and just know I will see my baby again someday! Baby Tiny is now our guardian angel. With the holidays and with my oldest having a mission from God to do. I realized things really do revolve around me in a way. Have you hear the saying if mama an't happy ant nobody happy. Well it's true a mother is the home manager especially when I am a stay at home and homeschool mother. The days I just did nothing and sulked, not a lot was getting done. Life doesn't run very smoothly when the mother is not able to manage at her job.  

I am surprised in a way at how much at peace I am right now. With that being said it has only been a couple of weeks since baby tiny left us to go to heaven I am sure I will have my moments. But I think that is part of mending your heart it will never be exactly the same as before. It has been altered. But we learn a new way to go. I new way to walk.

My doctor called today and said I have to go in for more blood work because my levels are not down to what she wants them to be. The are at 69 and she wants them below 5. Hopefully this will be the last check, I just want to be able to move past the doctor stuff. 

Through everything I have became stronger and more aware of people around me! Life is precious and we all have a purpose! Lets set our eyes upon the Lord!!!! 

Trying to find my new normal

I am having a good moment and thought I would go ahead and  write a little. I feel like I lost my baby almost because God knew I would do anything to be with my baby again some day. I am being drawn closer to God . I want to do even better. I want to be the best follower of Christ I can be. I am not perfect but I want to try my best!  I want to use my time wisely and read the word and pray often. I want to raise my kids to love and serve the Lord. I was always trying but now I need to do even better. It may not be the reason why my baby is now an angel but I will work hard just in case. 

I wondered how does anyone ever move past something like this or how to I get to the other side of this mountain?  Well I have figured out you don't.

Hopefully I will be able to continue to update you about my walk in this valley but I want to add so uplifting and encouraging words also.

With having 4 other children- 3 teenagers and a toddler- life gets busy, which can be good because it make life move on. I don't stop some days. I know my mind goes back to my angel a lot but as I keep moving it helps me to not get stuck. I have plenty of moments to cry it out. And I take those moments! But I also want to make the most out of the life here on earth. I know Baby Tiny is OK. I mean he or she is sitting in the lap of the Lord! So I need to do what I can do to teach my other kids about Jesus! 

Christmas with out my angel baby- It was a very emotional day. I kept feeling overwhelming sadness. I wanted to be pregnant with my little angel. I held it while my kids opened their gifts but after I broke down and it was uncontrollable. I ended up going into the shower and had a good cry while having it out with God!!! I was upset and down right mad! It's not fair (when I get into this mindset nothing makes sense) I felt like a child throwing a tantrum but I didn't care. I wanted to be pregnant so I will be able to have my baby. I want to be able to hold my baby this summer. I was able to eventually pull myself together, make dinner and a cake and cupcakes. With the help of my 2 yr old. We sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and had a pretty good evening!

After shocks.......

Will the after shocks stop??????................. Physically I believe I am fine but emotionally I am a train wreck.

One minute I am so positive and alive and the next I wish I could crawl under a rock. On social media I am getting so much support and prayers but in real life I am drowning in my own tears. I feel like I am not as strong as other woman. One moment I am praising God and doing positive/ feeling OK that our Savior was the one who got to hold my baby first and the next moment I am falling into a million pieces thinking about not being able to hold my baby until I make it to heaven. So then I take a breath because then my thoughts start going to me leaving and going to heaven. But then reality hits me and I think about my other 4. I know Baby Tiny is OK. I start thinking about how I am going to be the best parent to the ones I have, Start being the best me I can be, get in shape, so I can do more with my kids. Then I think about how my worse fear was made real when baby Tiny went away. My worse fear is something happening to one of my kids. And now it has. I am a mess thinking about why. WHY my child, what did I do to not be able to look at my baby's face and see him smile. I go through every emotion. I get mad thinking Shasta won't even remember that she had a younger sibling. Then I am back and watching Shasta playing with her dolls and think I have to be the best mom I only have them for a short time and we don't know when their time will be.
 Pretty much the whole time I knew I was pregnant with Tiny 11/8- 12/15 I rarely held Shasta making sure I kept myself safe and Tiny safe. Yesterday I picked up Shasta and she said with excitement "mommy you are holding me" I say yes baby I can now. I tried to reexplain how baby Tiny wasn't in mommy's belly anymore. (our first attempt I was still going through the physically stuff so I didn't want to strain and pick her up (I didn't know how much it meant to her) I had told her the 1st time and she said "yes baby in mommy's belly" then gave me a hug I told her it was OK because she was still my baby) this time we explained again that Baby Tiny was with Jesus and not in mommy's belly anymore. She seemed sad. But happy that I could hold her. I wanted to cry. I didn't realize how much she missed me holding her. I held her on my lap, but I limited picking her up. I missed it too. At one time I was upset and said it wasn't fair I had to push away one child to save another. Of coarse I knew I wasn't pushing away Shasta but I wanted to be able to hold them both. And I still do. I want to be able to be mom to baby tiny. I want to have pictures taken to see all 5 of my kids together. I hadn't even gotten big enough to really tell I was pregnant. (I could tell and my belly changed but no one else would have known if we didn't tell them). So pics of me and the kids wouldn't have told the story now either. I just want them all to have the opportunity to enjoy each other. I wanted to name him or her. I wanted to share the gender surprise and have a baby shower. But most of all I really wanted to hold him and see his face. Kiss him and just love him. Which I do! More than some may think I should. I have loved my baby since I read the positive tests I took on my birthday . (my actual tests from that day)

I was so excited that God entrusted me with another gift. So why then was I being robbed of being Baby Tiny's mom. I mean I know I was mom for the weeks I had the sweet baby in my womb but sometimes that wasn't enough to me. I wanted more. I wanted to make him/ her real and I wanted our baby to be and stay a part of our family. But now how do I do that with out it being a sad moment all the time and over thinking the things we will miss out on. Someone said she was hoping we would be announcing a new little one in 2016. At the time I thought oh my goodness how could I ever do this again. I mean I would be so scared that I wouldn't be able to keep that one either but as the days have went on and I have had to cope with seeing other babies (which made me cry every time) I think I finally came to a peace that I think I would like to try again some day maybe. I am scared though because some have said my age is getting to old. I am 36 and just lost my baby. I have now been pregnant 5 times and if it's God's will I would accept anymore gift he wants to bless me with.


RIP Baby Tiny  

Enjoy Heaven! Jesus give my precious baby a hug for me!!!!!

Baby Tiny's heart breaking story

I was so excited on November 8th (my birthday) when I found I was pregnant for my 5th baby.

 We couldn't go see the doctor until November 19th. I went and brought all 4 of my other kids and my husband. I did have the kids wait in the waiting room. I was so excited! I was hoping for an ultrasound! I wasn't sure how far along since my periods are always so weird. I went in thinking- okay I am either 14 weeks or 7 weeks. Well I guess it was closer to 7 weeks because they ended up doing an ultrasound and then an internal ultrasound. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat or the baby. I was absolutely stunned! What!!! How???? Why??? What can this mean?I was feeling so good. But a little more nauseous than my other pregnancies. So we scheduled another appointment for Dec. 3rd. Well we had to go through Thanksgiving and everyday was so long. Not knowing what was going on with the baby inside me. When we got there (and I chose not to bring the other kids this time) I felt really good! The "morning sickness" feeling had pretty much went away. I couldn't wait until they called my name, they took me straight to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech once again had a puzzled look on her face. She had found the baby but it was measuring a couple weeks earlier than my sac did. She said I am going to get the doctor. My husband and I looked at each other and he said something is wrong isn't it. I said that's what it feels like. The doctor came in and like the 1st appointment started telling us she didn't feel like this baby was going to make it.  Well we went for blood work and then 2 days later went back for blood work again. That night I realized while we were out earlier in the day the doctor had left us a voice mail. So I immediately  call her at the number. When I was able to talk to her I put the phone on speaker phone because my husband was there, She said my hcg levels dropped drastically. They went from 43,000 to 33,000 in two days. And once again she was talking to me about abnormal pregnancy and how this baby had a very low chance to live. Of coarse this was very hard to hear. We all have been praying basically since we found out I was pregnant. A lot of other people have been too! Well from that point I put it everywhere.... Prayers for baby "Tiny" which is the name our 2 yr old gave the baby when we explained to her she was going to be a big sister. The doctor told me on the phone that evening that she would have her office call me 1st thing Monday morning to schedule more blood work and another appointment to see her and have another ultrasound.

Well Monday morning I was waiting eagerly. The office never called so I called them. I left a message then I called and left two more messages. I must say while sitting on pins and needles it is torture. So it wasn't until Tuesday when they called me. The lady on the phone said I could come in for an appointment the following Tuesday. She also said she would have to call me back about the ultrasound time since it must be done at the hospital this time. So at least I had my next day to wish it was. So Wed. I got another call from the doctors office and they said I could be seen on Friday. I was excited and said OK instead of coming in on Tuesday I will see you Fri. Then she stopped me in my tracks and said oh you already have an appointment. I said yes but I will come in earlier. She said no no you already have an appointment. See you next week. I was at a loss with words. OK well waiting is continuing. Before hanging up with the woman on the phone I asked about blood work and the ultrasound. She had no answers for me. She would have to call me back. (big sigh) I felt like the doctor was very concerned when I was on the phone Saturday so why was I getting the run around here. I felt like she had lost hope for my baby Tiny. I finally talked to someone on Friday and was told I had an appointment at the hospital for the ultrasound the same Tuesday as my appointment to see the doctor. I asked once again about blood work but still no answers. So I wait through the weekend and continue to pray and try to stay positive. I talked to baby Tiny very often. Telling him or her to really focus on growing and getting that tiny heart to beat big and loud! All of our family and friends were praying.So Monday came and I still didn't hear from the doctor about the blood work so I called and they called me in a script to the hospital lab and I headed over to get that done right away because I wanted to have those results for the appointment on Tuesday. On Tuesday morning I realize I was spotting but I kept hope that it was still going to be ok. But when we went to ultrasound, I knew the baby was gone.

I was obviously in the miscarriage process. When we went into the doctor after that God gave me a overcoming peace. She confirmed everything with the blood work results. My level were now down to 9,000. The next step was to figure out what was next. We chose to go ahead and accept the medication to help the process along a little faster. I had already started feeling pretty yucky all day and with the spotting it just made things more uncomfortable. To make a long story shorter after we got the prescription we went home to tell the other kids. It hurt but at the same time it wasn't a complete shock. It didn't make it any less sad though. We all expressed our sadness in our own ways and we all tried to remember to be sensitive to each other.That night I made sure I read the prescription and did it all exactly the way it said. That evening was exhausting. I had been doing more than my share of crying and praying.

It was a rough night of cramps, tossing and turning, and running to the bathroom. I was also trying to stay hydrated. Meanwhile my husband has been having a lot of sleeping issues with this night being no exception. He had to be up the next morning by 5 am. At 4:30 am I realized he was still awake and worrying a lot about me. I assured him I was going to be OK and he got ready for work. 

(Some details were removed for time sake) 

Look for future updates on our walk through this valley. 
I hope that me sharing my story- it may give some comfort to other who may be walking through similar situations. Keep hope! Don't worry about things out of your control! Even though it didn't go the way we wanted, we have kept our faith. Remember how BIG God is! With God all things are possible!