Trying to find my new normal

I am having a good moment and thought I would go ahead and  write a little. I feel like I lost my baby almost because God knew I would do anything to be with my baby again some day. I am being drawn closer to God . I want to do even better. I want to be the best follower of Christ I can be. I am not perfect but I want to try my best!  I want to use my time wisely and read the word and pray often. I want to raise my kids to love and serve the Lord. I was always trying but now I need to do even better. It may not be the reason why my baby is now an angel but I will work hard just in case. 

I wondered how does anyone ever move past something like this or how to I get to the other side of this mountain?  Well I have figured out you don't.

Hopefully I will be able to continue to update you about my walk in this valley but I want to add so uplifting and encouraging words also.

With having 4 other children- 3 teenagers and a toddler- life gets busy, which can be good because it make life move on. I don't stop some days. I know my mind goes back to my angel a lot but as I keep moving it helps me to not get stuck. I have plenty of moments to cry it out. And I take those moments! But I also want to make the most out of the life here on earth. I know Baby Tiny is OK. I mean he or she is sitting in the lap of the Lord! So I need to do what I can do to teach my other kids about Jesus! 

Christmas with out my angel baby- It was a very emotional day. I kept feeling overwhelming sadness. I wanted to be pregnant with my little angel. I held it while my kids opened their gifts but after I broke down and it was uncontrollable. I ended up going into the shower and had a good cry while having it out with God!!! I was upset and down right mad! It's not fair (when I get into this mindset nothing makes sense) I felt like a child throwing a tantrum but I didn't care. I wanted to be pregnant so I will be able to have my baby. I want to be able to hold my baby this summer. I was able to eventually pull myself together, make dinner and a cake and cupcakes. With the help of my 2 yr old. We sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and had a pretty good evening!

After shocks.......

Will the after shocks stop??????................. Physically I believe I am fine but emotionally I am a train wreck.

One minute I am so positive and alive and the next I wish I could crawl under a rock. On social media I am getting so much support and prayers but in real life I am drowning in my own tears. I feel like I am not as strong as other woman. One moment I am praising God and doing positive/ feeling OK that our Savior was the one who got to hold my baby first and the next moment I am falling into a million pieces thinking about not being able to hold my baby until I make it to heaven. So then I take a breath because then my thoughts start going to me leaving and going to heaven. But then reality hits me and I think about my other 4. I know Baby Tiny is OK. I start thinking about how I am going to be the best parent to the ones I have, Start being the best me I can be, get in shape, so I can do more with my kids. Then I think about how my worse fear was made real when baby Tiny went away. My worse fear is something happening to one of my kids. And now it has. I am a mess thinking about why. WHY my child, what did I do to not be able to look at my baby's face and see him smile. I go through every emotion. I get mad thinking Shasta won't even remember that she had a younger sibling. Then I am back and watching Shasta playing with her dolls and think I have to be the best mom I only have them for a short time and we don't know when their time will be.
 Pretty much the whole time I knew I was pregnant with Tiny 11/8- 12/15 I rarely held Shasta making sure I kept myself safe and Tiny safe. Yesterday I picked up Shasta and she said with excitement "mommy you are holding me" I say yes baby I can now. I tried to reexplain how baby Tiny wasn't in mommy's belly anymore. (our first attempt I was still going through the physically stuff so I didn't want to strain and pick her up (I didn't know how much it meant to her) I had told her the 1st time and she said "yes baby in mommy's belly" then gave me a hug I told her it was OK because she was still my baby) this time we explained again that Baby Tiny was with Jesus and not in mommy's belly anymore. She seemed sad. But happy that I could hold her. I wanted to cry. I didn't realize how much she missed me holding her. I held her on my lap, but I limited picking her up. I missed it too. At one time I was upset and said it wasn't fair I had to push away one child to save another. Of coarse I knew I wasn't pushing away Shasta but I wanted to be able to hold them both. And I still do. I want to be able to be mom to baby tiny. I want to have pictures taken to see all 5 of my kids together. I hadn't even gotten big enough to really tell I was pregnant. (I could tell and my belly changed but no one else would have known if we didn't tell them). So pics of me and the kids wouldn't have told the story now either. I just want them all to have the opportunity to enjoy each other. I wanted to name him or her. I wanted to share the gender surprise and have a baby shower. But most of all I really wanted to hold him and see his face. Kiss him and just love him. Which I do! More than some may think I should. I have loved my baby since I read the positive tests I took on my birthday . (my actual tests from that day)

I was so excited that God entrusted me with another gift. So why then was I being robbed of being Baby Tiny's mom. I mean I know I was mom for the weeks I had the sweet baby in my womb but sometimes that wasn't enough to me. I wanted more. I wanted to make him/ her real and I wanted our baby to be and stay a part of our family. But now how do I do that with out it being a sad moment all the time and over thinking the things we will miss out on. Someone said she was hoping we would be announcing a new little one in 2016. At the time I thought oh my goodness how could I ever do this again. I mean I would be so scared that I wouldn't be able to keep that one either but as the days have went on and I have had to cope with seeing other babies (which made me cry every time) I think I finally came to a peace that I think I would like to try again some day maybe. I am scared though because some have said my age is getting to old. I am 36 and just lost my baby. I have now been pregnant 5 times and if it's God's will I would accept anymore gift he wants to bless me with.


RIP Baby Tiny  

Enjoy Heaven! Jesus give my precious baby a hug for me!!!!!

Baby Tiny's heart breaking story

I was so excited on November 8th (my birthday) when I found I was pregnant for my 5th baby.

 We couldn't go see the doctor until November 19th. I went and brought all 4 of my other kids and my husband. I did have the kids wait in the waiting room. I was so excited! I was hoping for an ultrasound! I wasn't sure how far along since my periods are always so weird. I went in thinking- okay I am either 14 weeks or 7 weeks. Well I guess it was closer to 7 weeks because they ended up doing an ultrasound and then an internal ultrasound. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat or the baby. I was absolutely stunned! What!!! How???? Why??? What can this mean?I was feeling so good. But a little more nauseous than my other pregnancies. So we scheduled another appointment for Dec. 3rd. Well we had to go through Thanksgiving and everyday was so long. Not knowing what was going on with the baby inside me. When we got there (and I chose not to bring the other kids this time) I felt really good! The "morning sickness" feeling had pretty much went away. I couldn't wait until they called my name, they took me straight to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech once again had a puzzled look on her face. She had found the baby but it was measuring a couple weeks earlier than my sac did. She said I am going to get the doctor. My husband and I looked at each other and he said something is wrong isn't it. I said that's what it feels like. The doctor came in and like the 1st appointment started telling us she didn't feel like this baby was going to make it.  Well we went for blood work and then 2 days later went back for blood work again. That night I realized while we were out earlier in the day the doctor had left us a voice mail. So I immediately  call her at the number. When I was able to talk to her I put the phone on speaker phone because my husband was there, She said my hcg levels dropped drastically. They went from 43,000 to 33,000 in two days. And once again she was talking to me about abnormal pregnancy and how this baby had a very low chance to live. Of coarse this was very hard to hear. We all have been praying basically since we found out I was pregnant. A lot of other people have been too! Well from that point I put it everywhere.... Prayers for baby "Tiny" which is the name our 2 yr old gave the baby when we explained to her she was going to be a big sister. The doctor told me on the phone that evening that she would have her office call me 1st thing Monday morning to schedule more blood work and another appointment to see her and have another ultrasound.

Well Monday morning I was waiting eagerly. The office never called so I called them. I left a message then I called and left two more messages. I must say while sitting on pins and needles it is torture. So it wasn't until Tuesday when they called me. The lady on the phone said I could come in for an appointment the following Tuesday. She also said she would have to call me back about the ultrasound time since it must be done at the hospital this time. So at least I had my next day to wish it was. So Wed. I got another call from the doctors office and they said I could be seen on Friday. I was excited and said OK instead of coming in on Tuesday I will see you Fri. Then she stopped me in my tracks and said oh you already have an appointment. I said yes but I will come in earlier. She said no no you already have an appointment. See you next week. I was at a loss with words. OK well waiting is continuing. Before hanging up with the woman on the phone I asked about blood work and the ultrasound. She had no answers for me. She would have to call me back. (big sigh) I felt like the doctor was very concerned when I was on the phone Saturday so why was I getting the run around here. I felt like she had lost hope for my baby Tiny. I finally talked to someone on Friday and was told I had an appointment at the hospital for the ultrasound the same Tuesday as my appointment to see the doctor. I asked once again about blood work but still no answers. So I wait through the weekend and continue to pray and try to stay positive. I talked to baby Tiny very often. Telling him or her to really focus on growing and getting that tiny heart to beat big and loud! All of our family and friends were praying.So Monday came and I still didn't hear from the doctor about the blood work so I called and they called me in a script to the hospital lab and I headed over to get that done right away because I wanted to have those results for the appointment on Tuesday. On Tuesday morning I realize I was spotting but I kept hope that it was still going to be ok. But when we went to ultrasound, I knew the baby was gone.

I was obviously in the miscarriage process. When we went into the doctor after that God gave me a overcoming peace. She confirmed everything with the blood work results. My level were now down to 9,000. The next step was to figure out what was next. We chose to go ahead and accept the medication to help the process along a little faster. I had already started feeling pretty yucky all day and with the spotting it just made things more uncomfortable. To make a long story shorter after we got the prescription we went home to tell the other kids. It hurt but at the same time it wasn't a complete shock. It didn't make it any less sad though. We all expressed our sadness in our own ways and we all tried to remember to be sensitive to each other.That night I made sure I read the prescription and did it all exactly the way it said. That evening was exhausting. I had been doing more than my share of crying and praying.

It was a rough night of cramps, tossing and turning, and running to the bathroom. I was also trying to stay hydrated. Meanwhile my husband has been having a lot of sleeping issues with this night being no exception. He had to be up the next morning by 5 am. At 4:30 am I realized he was still awake and worrying a lot about me. I assured him I was going to be OK and he got ready for work. 

(Some details were removed for time sake) 

Look for future updates on our walk through this valley. 
I hope that me sharing my story- it may give some comfort to other who may be walking through similar situations. Keep hope! Don't worry about things out of your control! Even though it didn't go the way we wanted, we have kept our faith. Remember how BIG God is! With God all things are possible! 

Newest Blessing

So my post have been far and in between. But I keep trying. My goal is to be vlogging by the new year also. I won't stop writing/ typing my blog when I do but I feel like vlogging may be easier on some days. It will also help to include my other family members in turn will make it easier to do. Since I enjoy and want to spend most of my time with my children and have plenty to do in the day which includes them, this will make it where I won't have to separate my self from them. The can help in either doing the videoing or whatever. I have to send a big thank you to all my followers for being so patient with me.

Another reason, I wanted to post today was to bring to everyone's attention how important it is to keep our soldiers in their prayers! They sacrifice them self in many scary situations everyday. And in the world we live in it seems to be getting scarier as the days go on. Make sure you pray for the families also as they are going through their own struggles and have to share their solider with the rest of us. I want to send out a HUGE thank you to all of them past, present, and future!!!May God Bless you all!

Our newest joy..........

We are being blessed again!  I am pregnant with baby #5. We are all so excited that God would entrust us with one more. The Bible says Children are blessings, and a gift from the Lord
Psalms 127:3
Also It says As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. psalms 127:4
It continues in saying Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.psalms 127:5 


We know this baby is a blessing! We will need to train this baby up like our other children Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. 

For anyone who think we are crazy- You will be calling God crazy! 5 babies God has now blessed us! We are honored and so excited to do our best to raise this baby as our other children to love the Lord!!! 

The bible says from the beginning...   God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Genesis 1:28

How we got the news... 

I had been feeling pretty sick and had skipped a month (I am not regular so this wasn't a big deal) The last week of Oct. 2015 I was feeling different. I thought wow could I really be pregnant? Well I had decided not to tell anyone until I knew for sure. Since my birthday is November 8 I decided I would wait until then to take a test. So when our 2 1/2 yr old woke up early that morning as she always does, I got her some breakfast and had her settled in at the table. I went to take the test. Immediately 2 lines showed up. I had a little bit of mixed feelings! Of coarse overwhelming excitement came over me. But unfortunately the devil was working hard to scare me too. I thought I would wait and tell my husband after he came home But he had to work late shift this day and he was still home so I wondered if I should tell him or wait. On one hand, I was thinking what if this causes stress that will effect him at work on the other hand maybe this might make his day cheerful. In the end I was glad I told him before he went. I have never been any good at keeping secrets. Of coarse when I put the test in front of him face there was shock that filled us both. But that quickly faded as he pulled me close and said "really!" "We are going to have another baby!" So after we calmed down for a moment we call all the kids down and told them. Since I am only a handful weeks (or I think) I know a lot of people recommend not to say anything to anyone until we get past a safe mark. But I wonder who can say when is that safe mark and if something were to happen I would want every moment and I want to be able to share those moments with others in my life. All of this was a Sunday so when the kids and I got to church that morning we had lots to be thankful for and plenty to praise God for! 

What do you think of vlogging?

Well I am a blogger (I guess when I find time to!) And now I am thinking of stepping my toe into the world of vlogging!  So the definition of vlogging is to my understanding: basically blogging in front of the camera and using your mouth to get your information out there instead of your fingers to type. So what do you think? Let me know yay or nay & why...... Also let me know what you want to hear about! I have some really great ideas but would love to get some input from my followers!



A video blog or video log, sometimes shortened to vlog /ˈvlɒɡ/, is a form of blog for which the medium is video, and is a form of web television.Vlog entries often combine embedded video (or a video link) with supporting text, images, and other metadata



REVISED: I have started a vlog!!! Finally, You can find my channel at
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYjVWR7F2D_pfujbdS7EwBQ

Date Night with your spouse!

So I married my high school sweetheart and we literally had our first baby a month after we got married! I am so thankful we had "us" time in high school. But over the 16 yrs we have been married, we have both grew up a ton. I believe we have always been wiser than our age but we have learn a lot about marriage and love! Above all, we have learned a lot about what God wants our marriage to be. First, you can read my past post about marriage for some details. But for this post I want to talk about making your marriage and spouse a priority. Date night is important even when you have been married 16 yrs. and even when you have you have children. Communication is a huge part of marriage and you need make is clear what you are feeling. If you are feeling a little distant you may need some "time" together. Sometime even the best marriages need to just go get a bit to eat or take a walk alone. Some other suggestions would be a movie, or take a drive together. Also sounds a bit crazy but you could go grocery shopping just the two of you or walk around target. When it comes down to it, what you really need is to just spend time together with out someone or something getting in the way.

Since babysitter or lack of one can be a problem, I would recommend making date night a priority.  would said to wait until the kids are asleep- trust me I get it you are tired and want to pass out when they do. But if you don't make time for you sometime, you can drift further a part which will only cause more issues. If money is a problem- do free things or cheap. Go get drinks and desert instead of dinner. Or go to the park with a picnic lunch. Go for a walk around your neighborhood. What ever you chose to do, do it with purpose! Love him/ her, flirt with each other. Compliment each other, hold hands, hug, kiss. We all love our families but it can get overwhelming trying to catch up with your spouse when there is always something that needs to be done. dinner needs to be cooked, lawn needs to be mowed, kids need bathes, you hear mommy, daddy, can I, why?, or what is..... (kids and others)

Please let me know of your ideas for date night, stories of your good dates with your husband!  Thanks ~

symbrachydactyly

What is Symbrachydactyly?
Taking the word literally, "sym" means joined (like "syn"), "brachy" means short and "dactyly" means finger.  So, the word means "Short joined fingers."
Symbrachydactyly (sim-brak″e-dak´tĭ-le) occurs during normal embryonic development. When a baby’s hands begin to form in utero, they are shaped like mittens or paddles. Then the fingers divide. In babies with symbrachydactyly, the fingers (and sometimes the hand and arm) don’t fully form during this time. This may happen because the area doesn’t get enough blood flow or because of some other problem with the tissue. It’s not caused by anything the mother did or did not do while she was pregnant.
This hand disorder characterized by abnormally short fingers that are sometimes webbed or conjoined. Most children with symbrachydactyly have the "short finger" type in which the thumb is essentially normal but the remaining fingers are short, stiff and may be webbed. In other cases, only the thumb or the thumb and little finger are present. In more severe cases, all fingers are missing and small nubbins of skin and soft-tissue (little stumps) are located where the fingers would have developed. Research continues into further understanding why this happens.
 This limb difference occurs in every 30,000 to 40,000 births. It’s not passed down in families (inherited). If you have a child with symbrachydactyly, you are not at any greater risk of having another child with the condition.There are 7 different classifications of symbrachydactyly. Nubbins, one of the classic findings in symbrachydactyly, can be present with any of these except the short finger type.

1.short finger
2.cleft type (thumb and small finger present)
3.peromelic (nubbins)
4.monodactyly (only the thumb present)
5.wrist bones present (but nothing more distal)
6.wrist bones absent (ie, arm ends at the end of the forearm)
7.transforearm (amputation at mid forearm level)




When my 1 1/2 year old was born we noticed her left hand was missing fingers, I held my baby & said "babe look" to my husband. He said "She is ok, she will be ok" I didn't realize how right he was. I was worried when I saw it because 1. I didn't know if she was in any discomfort. & 2. If she would be in the future. Plus I worried about if she would have struggles that other children didn't have. But honestly she showed me immediately she was going to be more than fine :) Some parents find out their child has this while they are still pregnant. We didn't- when we saw her ultrasound, it looked like she was making a fist. This is my beautiful- perfectly created by God, my sweet little gift from the Lord!! She is our baby girl!

One of the things I have done with all of my other children was teaching them (ASL) American Sign Language. When I thought about trying to teach her and if she would be able to, I got very determined. I was amazed on how well she picked up the sign with some exceptions. I love ASL & I love teaching my kids this so I was one happy mama when I realized my daughter was becoming very good with this!!!! 

 She has her left thumb which is a blessing in my opinion, she thankfully has shown me how she can still grip things. She could hold a cookie just as any baby. Now that she is almost 2 yrs old I can tell you there is almost nothing she can't do. Anyone who meets her is inspired by her as I am too!!! She make me a stronger person! I look forward to seeing all the future victories she will accomplish!

My advice to parents who find out you child has symbrachydactyly, Don't Stress!!!! You will be amazed! Let your child show you- God created them, he didn't make any mistakes!!! Be strong, Pray, Have Faith. I have learned over time, it is ok if she does things a little different. She is beautiful, and so perfect!!!

www.luckyfinproject.org/ is a wonderful organization!!!! 

I would love to talk about this if you have any questions please let me know!!!!! 

Have a wonderful spring!! ~Jen